Marriage means something a little different to everyone, depending on who you ask. And yet somehow, there are certain truths that pretty much any couple can relate to.
Below, 25 tweets that hilariously encapsulate married life.
I love my husband, but no matter where we are I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens he gets murdered first.
— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) July 14, 2017
Marriage is mostly misreading facial expressions and asking each other, " you ok?"
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 16, 2017
*looks over back shoulder*
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) June 21, 2017
*puts car in reverse*
Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
wife: I told you not to wear it in the shower
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) June 27, 2017
me [holding a soggy Burger King crown] I don't need a lecture right now
I lost my keys & then found them where I'd left them but still blamed my husband.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 12, 2017
Because that's how marriage works.
Husband: What's for dinner?
— Dragging Feeties (@DraggingFeeties) July 12, 2017
Me: *dips left side of spoon in Nutella*
*dips right side of spoon in peanut butter*
*licks spoon*
*shrugs*
Most of marriage is wondering how you can love someone so fiercely who chews so loudly.
— Amy Flory (@FunnyIsFamily) May 19, 2017
My wife's signature move is asking me a question then turning on the faucet when I answer.
— Jeff Newton (@yonewt) November 26, 2015
Hubs: I wish I could eat food at the rate I digest so I could always be eating.
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) June 19, 2017
Me: And that's why I married you, because you're a dreamer.
I hate when my husband says, "Earth to Darla." He knows I'm still sensitive about being rejected for Space Camp in '84.
— Darlin' Darla (@Darlainky) January 30, 2017
What single people want to hear: "I bought you a present."
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 27, 2017
What married people want to hear: "I left money in the joint checking account."
Me: What's it like being married to someone as funny as me?
— Anna Grace (@graceful_asfuck) June 5, 2017
Husband: Unbearable
Husband: What is that weird smell? It smells like socks.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) May 26, 2014
Me: I'm cooking your dinner.
Husband: Oh, I mean it smells good. Like good socks.
Husband: you walk really loud.
— Wendy (@_wendyb07) June 29, 2017
Anyway, marriage is fun.
When my husband texts he's running late I like to respond "to the left, to the left, everything you own is in a box to the left."
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) July 12, 2017
My wife just got banned from the bumper cars for telling everyone how to drive.
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) July 2, 2017
Me: [on deathbed]
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) June 18, 2017
Husband: *leans in close and whispers* Did you call Comcast? I did it last time, so...I mean...
WIFE: where can I put this envelope so you'll remember to mail it?
— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) June 24, 2017
ME: inside a donut
Hubs, "Are you going to drink that entire bottle of wine?"
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) July 6, 2017
Me, "You didn't marry no quitter."
Hubs, nodding, "My Queen."
*my wife and I both go for the last piece of bread in the breadbasket*
— The Pale Space Rider (@truegritrumble) May 30, 2017
ME: I NEED this.
WIFE: I will literally cut you.
The secret to a lasting marriage is knowing no one else would put up with your bullshit.
— Myrrh (@ixix82) June 24, 2017
Marriage is just helping your significant other find their keys until one of you dies.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 19, 2017
Hide and seek, but it’s just me trying to find anything my husband put away.
— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) July 11, 2017
wife: Should I buy this?
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) July 13, 2017
me: No
wife [already buying it] Did you say something?
Can't wait to see what my wife says I'm doing this weekend.
— Covfefe Rock🇺🇸 (@TheMichaelRock) July 15, 2017
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