A marriage is made up of some high highs, some low lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
Sure, married life can be mundane at times â never-ending loads of laundry, ongoing arguments about the proper way to load a dishwasher and too many corny dad jokes to count. But couples who go the distance are able to find some humor in the everyday routine.
Below, weâve gathered some truly funny â and relatable â marriage tweets that will help you get through a long week:
When Iâm not feeling well my husband will check on me to see if Iâm still making dinner.
— mđmma unfiltered (@MommaUnfiltered) December 30, 2018
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
— brent (@murrman5) December 5, 2018
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Iâm going to meet my husband at the finish line of his 10-mile trail race so I can tell him how I never fell back to sleep after his alarm went off this morning.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) December 2, 2018
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
— eric (@ericsshadow) December 25, 2018
My husband teases me that I only use my phone for Twitter but heâs wrong cause I also use it to make fake phone calls when I see someone I donât wanna talk to.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) January 3, 2019
Got one of those weighted blankets and after a night of hogging the covers my wife woke up ripped.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) December 8, 2018
Wife - *talking about literally anyone*
— Jurisdoc (@jurisdoc741) December 19, 2018
Me - *not looking up* whoâs that?
~ marriage
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house âif youâre gonna get lice, people, get it now!â
— Swim Jeansđ (@ShortSleeveSuit) January 6, 2019
There's a piece of junk mail lying in the middle of the floor in my kitchen. I'm doing an experiment to see how long it will take either my husband or 2 teenage sons to pick it up and throw it away.
— Diane Auten (@DianeAuten) December 23, 2018
We are on day 3
Currently taking bets.
Me: Look at those poor babies. Iâm gonna bring them in out of the cold.
— Son of Dad (@ThugRaccoons) January 2, 2019
Wife: *not looking up from her book* It better not be more raccoons.
[50 years from now]
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) December 30, 2018
Me: *writes elaborate message to husband on Ouija board*
Husband: K
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say âvest day everâ like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasnât as invested as they were.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 30, 2018
If youâre overly competitive about being more tired than someone else, marriage might be for you.
— Darla (@ddsmidt) January 4, 2019
Wife: I am not talking to you
— Super Mark (@supermarkusa) January 3, 2019
Me: ok
Wife: donât you want to know the reason?
Me: No,I respect and trust your decision
I just ate my wifeâs leftover hamburger like thereâs no tomorrow.
— Jester D (@JustMeTurtle) January 6, 2019
Narrator: If she still wants that hamburger, for him there may very well be no tomorrow.
ME: *speaks*
— Momarazzi. (@Mirimade) January 4, 2019
HUSBAND: *doesnât hear me*
ME: *shouts*
HUSBAND: *doesnât hear me*
ME: *dances, screaming in his face*
HUSBAND: *doesnât hear me*
ME: *toots whilst minding my business*
HUSBAND: What?
Oh! Youâve got problems? My husband reads the entire restaurant menu OUT LOUD...
— Teri Daniels (@bylinetd) December 29, 2018
before we go.
My wife's most common second question - "You really can't smell that?"
— Jack Boot (@IamJackBoot) January 3, 2019
If I figure out how to put this duvet cover on by myself this marriage is in serious trouble.
— mđmma unfiltered (@MommaUnfiltered) December 9, 2018
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) December 29, 2018
My husband just referred to sex as 'being intimate' so I'll be looking at nursing homes tomorrow I guess.
— The Evolving Arm (@leftarmisme) January 3, 2019
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
— Aimee Helene (@AimeeHelene1) January 3, 2019
Photographer: Ma'am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
I sent my husband to the grocery store for fresh parsley, he came home with a snowblower and a jar of dehydrated onions. Marriage is delightful.
— đáááááȘá©đ (@3sunzzz) January 3, 2019
Itâs really cold today and now I need to figure out how to make this my husbandâs fault.
— JPo (@Peauxtassium) December 12, 2018
I didnât marry him for the waffle iron, but it didnât hurt.
— Mary (@AnniemuMary) January 6, 2019
ME: I know you're busy so I did the dishes today
— Andrew Fowler (@fowlerism) January 3, 2019
HER: Wow, who are you and what have you done with my husband
ME: Ha ha, you caught me... *peeling off face* I am a cyborg from a dying galaxy andâ
Husband: You canât go out in those leggings.
— đłyour momđł (@eff_yeah_steph) December 18, 2018
Me: *sigh* For the last time LEGGINGS ARE PANTS and Iâm not letting society dictate whatâs acceptable for me to wear to the mall!
Husband: Okay, but thereâs a hole in your butt.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) January 7, 2019
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Pretty sure my wife only married me to break down Amazon Prime boxes.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) December 15, 2018
We bought a dishwasher because arguing over how to properly load it was missing from our marriage.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) January 6, 2019
